I was quite happy when I was reading the second chapter of Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference, because some key lessons were not new for me.
I was reading and refreshing some concepts I read 10 years back with new case studies and I could apply in a real-life situation some of the lessons.
This second chapter is about Labelling emotions through tactical empathy.
It starts with a very strong criticism against the statement in professors Roger Fisher and William Ury’s book that, during a negotiation, we should “separate people from the problem”.
Voss disagrees with them, arguing that emotions are a key aspect of the problem.
A good negotiator should not ignore the emotions involved, instead he should be able to recognize and talk about them without being overwhelmed by them.
Chris Voss gives in his courses a specific definition of empathy, tailored for the negotiation’s field:
“Empathy is the ability to recognize the perspective of a counterpart, and the vocalisation of that recognition”.
The next step is using Tactical Empathy in negotiation.
Tactical Empathy means being able to understand the feeling and what is behind those feelings. Empathy provides the what, tactical empathy the what and the why.
Labelling
I wrote before “vocalisation of that recognition” but what does it mean?
This means labelling the emotions.
The labelling process is something I first learnt from one of my best friends who is a psychotherapist.
Labelling emotions means giving them a proper name, for example:
- “You seem upset, am I wrong?”
- “It seems you are nervous”
- “It looks like you are happy today”
Yes, you can use labelling also for appreciating someone. I understand I am writing some notes about a book written by an FBI agent, but labelling it can also be helpful to improve the quality of our relationship on a daily basis.
There was also an interesting study on labelling led by professor Matthew Lieberman of the University of California, Los Angeles.
Upon observing images of emotionally charged faces, he discovered a shift in brain activity, with the amygdala lighting up more prominently. However, when participants were tasked with identifying the specific emotion depicted, the locus of activity migrated to regions associated with logical processing. In essence, assigning a rational label to an emotion, such as fear, serves to temper its primal fervour.
A Dive into Personal Experience
Some time ago I was having a discussion with my father when we were dealing with a tough client.
During the conversation with the client, who was quite angry, to calm the situation down, I was listening carefully and labelling the counterpart’s emotions – applying the principles of tactical empathy in a real world situation.
And it worked brilliantly.
However, looking at my behaviour, my father thought I was being too amenable, lacking strength and being too weak. Instead of applying these ideas and listening carefully, my father would have gone straight to his point and his position. Based on past results his behaviour often burned a possible trade off between the two sides of the table and at the end required lawyers help to resolve the dispute.
But being empathetic doesn’t mean agreeing with the other person’s opinions or values.
That’s sympathy.
I was trying to understand the other person’s worries, and to do that I must recognize the emotions felt in that moment from my counterpart.
Neutralise the negative reinforce the positive
It is important to understand that Labelling is not the goal, it’s just the means.
People’s emotions can be viewed as a relationship between input and output: the output is the final emotion, the “presenting” behaviour; the input beneath, a series of actions which is the “underlying” engine that motivates that behaviour.
Labelling is crucial to understand the underlying engine.
When you know what is motivating a person (or hurting/scaring) you can think about a genuine solution that can be acceptable for both sides of the table.
In the book there was a brilliant example from the author’s student at Georgetown University.
He worked as assistant controller at the Washington Redskins football team.
The CFO was having a really bad moment with a list of ticket holders who hadn’t paid their bills.
He also gave Voss’s student a script to follow in order to get the money back.
The script was very impersonal, tone-deaf and cold:
“I wanted to inform you that in order to receive your tickets for the upcoming season opener against the New York Giants, you will need to pay your outstanding balance in full prior to September 10”
Obviously it didn’t work.
So after this first attempt, the student tried with a different and more human formula.
“The home-field advantage created by you each and every Sunday at FedEx Field does not go unnoticed. In these difficult times, we understand our fans have been hit hard and we are here to work with you”.
After this message he added a call to action to call back and talk about the customer’s “unique situation”.
This way the script had a strong emotional resonance and the student was able to set up payment plans with all the ticket holders before the Giant game.
Key Takeaways
From this chapter there are 4 practical takeaways that we can use on a daily basis:
- Empathy, we must understand the counterpart feelings without agreeing with them.
- Focus on what is blocking the deal. Human beings are risk-averse, so the weight of what is not making the agreement is bigger compared to what will make the deal.
- Labelling emotions to block the amygdala engine and start creating a truly and safe environment
- The other person wants to be understood and appreciated. Encourage positive perceptions and dynamics
Please remember that this summary, and the book, are great reading, but you always need to practise and try multiple times before you master these lessons.
These situations can be really stressful, we can easily lose our temper.
Only with preparation and discipline can we transform the theory into winning situations.
