Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, was by far the most interesting book I read in 2023, and probably I should have read it earlier.
It’s a book about negotiation, but not the first I read on this topic.
In the past I also studied Getting to Yes, written by Professor Ury who co-founded the Harvard Program on Negotiation, but Never Split the Difference was definitely more entertaining and engaging (I recommend both).
The reason is linked to the narrative of the book which is not only a manual for negotiating: each chapter is also an author‘s personal story who was an FBI hostage negotiator.
In this book practical insights are intertwined with human emotions. Amazing!
Mirroring
The first chapter explains the importance of Mirroring our counterpart by repeating what they are saying so they feel listened to.
This is also called isopraxism and is a neurobehaviour in which we copy each other to comfort each other.
A very short example.
Your friend come to you in a very upset mood:
—There was a strike! I am so upset.
—I am sorry to hear that, so there was a strike [Pause]
—Yes, it was awful, I was late for my meeting
By mirroring we try to connect with the person we are trying to interact with.
What is also important is to set the right pause in the conversation.
Don’t confuse this with awkward silences, in this specific case we are providing space to the other party to explain better what they feel and gather additional information about the situation we are dealing with.
The mirroring behaviour with the pauses should be used to build a connection with the other side.
Assumption Blind
When we start dealing with a person it is important to get perspective and understand the other side.
We should be “Assumption Blind”, the conversation should help us to gather additional information that can be leveraged to find a solution to the conflict.
Maybe you have your hypotheses on what the other party needs, but you need to test them rigorously.
The worst mistake is to think you already know what the other side wants.
How do you test your hypotheses? By making questions, directly or indirectly asking, through the conversation flow, but you must test them.
Calm the Schizophrenic
In the past, in my meetings it often happened that one person would interrupt another one with the explanation “otherwise I will forget what I am saying”.
In negotiation similarly, too often, people think it is a battle of arguments and when they are debating in their head there is only their own voice.
When they are silent, they are thinking about their arguments, and when they speak they are stressing their arguments. There is no active listening of the other party.
It’s a wall fighting with another wall.
Instead in Chris’s FBI team, during a robbery at Chase Manhattan Bank in Brooklyn there were at least 3 people responsible for listening and writing down notes about the conversation with kidnappers plus another one on the phone speaking (and also listening).
“The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want”
Slow it down
One of the biggest mistakes of a negotiator is to be in a hurry.
It should never be the case, because the counterpart will always feel it, as a consequence people feel they are not heard.
When you are negotiating, it is important to build trust, a connection with the other side, and it requires time.
Don’t take me wrong, it is not about lying, or appeasing someone, but to truly listen.
Moreover, if you slow down the process, you also calm it down.
The Voice
Often in a conversation where we should find a solution the tone of voice is not the best for an open discussion.
In my experience most of the time, the tone is very aggressive, or harsh, because we want to state our point as loudly as possible.
Well, it doesn’t work, and it never will.
Two tones of voice are recommended by the author:
- The late-night FM DJ Voice. Warm and calm, the one you expect on the radio at night. To be used selectively to make a point. You keep it calm and slow, but when it is done properly will create an aura of trustworthiness.
- Positive/playful voice. It should be the default voice, it gives a sense of safety to the listener.
To Wrap Up
In the following days, think about where you can apply these tips on your daily conversations.
Start listening actively to the other part, asking for more information and explanation, understanding their emotions.
Just with this different approach you will see the difference when a disagreement comes.
That’s it from the first chapter.
I hope this summary will be useful (for me as a reminder and) for you to start reading Never Split the Difference.
